Waitress: A Script

[Enter. Pour water.]
Hello! How’re we doing tonight?
I’m doing great! My name is Rachel, I’ll be your server tonight.
We’ve got Happy Hour specials going until eight o’clock—today, it’s half-price all specialty drinks.
Can I get you something to drink other than water?
A Pomatini and a Miller Lite coming right up.
[Exit.]

[Enter. Set down Pomatini and Miller Lite.]
Here we go. Do we know what we want to eat or you need another minute?
No problem! I’ll be back in a few.
[Exit.]

[Enter.]
All right, what’ll we have?
Great choice! The New York Strip Steak is phenomenal here. [Pretend you’re not vegetarian for a minute.] How well done would you like it? Medium? Great. And for you, sir?
Filet Mignon, and how well done would you like that? Well? Don’t worry, I’ll make sure they don’t burn it. It’ll be just right. Any sides? Sure, you can share the spinach, not a problem.
Let me get these menus out of your way.
[Exit. Return menus to the hostess stand.]

[Enter. Refill water.]
You’re welcome.
[Exit. Wait in hot kitchen until the bell rings and the food is ready.]

[Enter carrying three plates. Stop by the server stand to throw steak knives onto the plates.]
New York Strip, medium, and Filet Mignon, well, but not burned! And a side of steamed spinach. Anything else I can get for you? How about another Pomatini, since that one’s almost empty? Sure thing. You want another Miller Lite, sir? Sure, you can switch to Yuengling, no problem. I’ll be right back with those.
[Exit.]

[Enter. Set down Pomatini and Yuengling. Pick up empty martini and pilsner glasses from the first round.]
Anything else I can get for you?
Great, enjoy your meal!
[Exit.]

[Enter. Refill water.]
How is everything here?
Great.
[Exit.]

[Enter. Refill water.]
How is everything here?
Great.
[Exit.]

[Enter. Refill water.]
Can I interest you in any desserts? We’ve got carrot cake, chocolate cake, and New York style cheesecake—all three are delicious, I can give you my personal guarantee of that! Sure, which two would you like? Chocolate and cheesecake? Excellent choices. Let me get these plates out of your way. Would you like drink refills? Sure, I’ll bring them with the dessert.
[Exit. Clear plates. Pile them awkwardly but carry them gracefully to the dishwasher. Wait in kitchen for desserts to be done.]

[Enter, carrying two dessert plates, two dessert forks, and two drinks. Yes, it is possible.]
All right! Pomatini and a Yuengling, chocolate cake and cheesecake! Here are some clean dessert forks for you. Anything else I can get for you? Sure thing, enjoy!
[Pick up empty glasses. Exit. Bring empty glasses to the dishwasher.]

[Enter. Refill water.]
How is everything here?
Great.
[Exit.]

[Enter. Refill water.]
Anything else I can get for you? Sure, I’ll be right back with it.
[Exit. Print the check.]

[Enter. Place check in the center of the table to avoid offending anyone with assumptions about who’s paying.]
Here you go. No problem.
[Exit. Wait a few minutes. Clean other tables.]

[Enter. Pick up check. Swipe credit card. Return with credit slips and a pen.]
Here you go! Thank you very much, and have a great night!
[Exit. Check on other tables. Wait until they leave.]

[Enter. Pick up check, stick it into apron pocket. Clear dessert dishes and glasses. Drop them off at dishwasher. Grab a wet cloth. Wipe down table. Sweep up the crumbs that fell onto the chairs. Set new silverware rolls and water glasses on the table to prepare for the next table. Return to computer to finalize check.

                Tab:    67.82

                Tip:     7.18

                Total: 75.00

10.5 percent?? Really? Fuckers. I deserved at least fifteen for that prompt service. I have rent to pay, you know. Dammit… ]

[Exeunt.]